We knew it. The moment Panchita would swing the axe to split wood, our students would burst into an uproarious laughter. The video never failed to make them laugh. Although there is seemingly nothing unusual about women chopping wood, especially if they live in a rural area with a wood stove and no central heating, there is something quite special and surprising about a 100 year-old doing so. This is what our students found both humorous and endearing.

Viktor Frankl acted according to his principles. Despite imminent danger, he chose to stay in Vienna to look after his parents. Although he could have fled to the United States, he made a decision to remain in Austria. A few months after he let his visa to the US lapse, he was sent to Auschwitz in 1942.

Fifty years later, in the preface to the 1992 edition of his famous book Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl recounts the dilemma he faced. Had he immigrated to America, he could have continued to develop his thriving career. But doing so would have meant abandoning his mother and father. The Jewish psychiatrist chose responsibility over opportunity. He paid dearly for his choice: several years in concentration camps. He embodied a “We Culture.” In the concentration camp he felt it was his responsibility to look after other prisoners. He derived meaning by focusing not only on his own survival, but in helping others.

The dominant discourse in society is that if you want to matter, you have a lot of internal work to do. The message is that mattering will come from the inside-out, and not from the outside-in. In actual fact, mattering depends on both avenues: inside-out and outside-in; psychological and social changes.

Both routes are reciprocal. Unfortunately, many wellness experts claim that the main, and maybe even only way to achieve happiness, meaning, and mattering, is through intrapsychic work such as the practice of gratitude and mindful meditation.

Do you feel like you matter? Do you help others to feel like they matter? Do your habits support mattering? To feel valued by, and add value to self and others, we must engage in certain behaviors. Thinking about mattering is not enough. People come to love us and to trust us through our actions, not our thoughts. We feel capable and agentic through specific behaviors. Positive routines can fight helplessness and foster belonging, meaning, and self-determination. The question is how? Part of the answer is through setting appropriate goals.

Happy to share a video of my talk on mattering as part of the Cane Talks at the University of Miami. Hope you find it useful.

https://canetalks.miami.edu/cane-talkers/isaac-prilleltensky/index.html

Mattering can be overdone. We can obsess about our own importance and need to feel valued. So much so that some people behave pathologically. By pathological we mean dysfunctional; hurting self or others, consciously or unconsciously. One such pathology is behaving in ways that draw attention to yourself at the expense of others. Due to insecurity, frustration, previous neglect, cultural trends, entitlement, or just plain hubris, some people exhibit unrelenting self-importance, pomposity, and egotism. It is all about them. They are the embodiment of the “me first” culture. These qualities are distortions of mattering. This is a case of too much of a good thing. Feeling valued, by self and others, is good only in good measure, but for some people, the only way to matter is to be number one, always and everywhere. They thrive on adulation and cannot tolerate criticism.

Like a secure attachment and a sense of belonging, the need for dignity is an essential part of feeling valued.

Experimental and field evidence shows that efforts to regain dignity come in two flavors: healthy and unhealthy. Some individuals build on personal assets and social resources to become resilient. Others, in turn, become more impulsive, sacrifice long term goals for immediate gratification, seek refuge in gangs and even resort to violence. They are trying to achieve dignity, but in destructive ways. In the words of a former gang member: “When I was 18, I thought it was cool to be a gang banger. Everyone gave you respect, girls were always around and money was easy.”